UK-based Kate Mansfield says that keeping an eye out for potentially toxic traits in your partner is ‘crucial, especially if you have a pattern or history of picking the wrong people, or abusive or unhealthy relationships’.

However, equally important is knowing where we may be harmful, or could be sabotaging our own selves. ‘I take my clients through a very detailed planning process, where we explore non-negotiables and bottom line behavior for dating and identify red flags in us that might sabotage, or negatively impact our dating opportunities and success,’ she revealed. 

1. Avoidance

Kate says that avoidance is ‘a big one and hard to spot’. This is because it manifests itself in ‘small and subtle’ ways, but could have ‘lethal’ implications for sabotage. 

‘This shows up as avoiding dating for long periods, and being overly “busy” to avoid loneliness, binge watching Netflix, and over committing to friends and family, sacrificing your love life,’ she revealed. 

2. Obsession and fantasy

‘This is where we project who we want someone to be, rather than taking the time to get to know them,’ Kate explained.  She says that this can end up in you disappearing into a fantasy ‘rather than take the risk of a real relationship’.

3. Anxiety and anxious attachment 

The relationship expert says that this is when we suffer from abandonment issues – hence causing us to become ‘needy, clingy and anxious’.  This also manifests itself is not being authentic, over texting and over giving.

4. Judgement and critical thinking 

‘This is a common one that can really kill your chances of finding love,’ Kate warns, ‘where you become overly picky and have unrealistic expectations of a potential partner.’ 

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5. Being too nice 

Kate says that being inauthentically saccharine – or avoiding conflict and being too agreeable – is ‘a total turn off for your potential dates’. 

6. Being too competitive or argumentative 

On the other side of things, Kate cautions that being too competitive or argumentative is also a total date killer. 

‘Try to avoid too much banter as well, joking constantly can become exhausting and superficial,’ she said. 


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