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Deborah James has shared her anger amid her incurable bowel cancer battle and admitted that she finds the pressure of ‘making memories’ difficult to deal with.
The podcaster, 40, was diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer in December 2016 and is receiving end of life care at her parents’ home in Woking, Surrey, after being told she may not live beyond five years.
Speaking about her cancer battle, Deborah admitted she has been ‘consumed by anger’ across the last week as she heartbreakingly said she doesn’t want to die.
Struggles: Deborah James (pictured with husband Sebastien) has shared her anger amid her incurable bowel cancer battle and admitted she finds the pressure to ‘make memories’ hard
She told The Sun: ‘Dying is really hard, I’ve been consumed by anger this week, in all honesty, I’ve been a real b***h.’
Deborah, who shares her children Hugo, 14, and Eloise, 12, with her husband Sebastien, admitted she keeps shouting at her loved ones and pushing them away due to her anger at her disease.
The campaigner candidly spoke about the trials of her terminal illness, saying she struggles to deal with the pressure to make memories because she isn’t always able to when she is ‘exhausted, sick and in pain’.
‘Making memories is really, really hard when you don’t have the physical capacity,’ she explained.
Cancer: Speaking about her cancer battle, Deborah said she has been ‘consumed by anger’ over the last week as she is supported by her husband Sebastien and kids Hugo and Eloise
Deborah and her family are instead focusing on the small moments, including hosting an impromptu sleepover party last week.
The mother-of-two, who recently made the difficult decision to only spend time with her family and not see her friends, admitted she spent a lot of the slumber party in tears but described it as ‘so special’.
The radio host said she doesn’t think she will ever come to terms with her incurable diagnosis, saying she finds it heartbreaking to see her body change as she battles the illness.
She said she also finds it difficult that people don’t speak openly about death, saying she hopes she can give others comfort by talking about her own experiences.
Deborah, who was awarded a damehood by Prince William last month, has been busy campaigning and has raised more than £6.6million for Cancer Research UK through her BowelBabe fund.
Quality time: She said she struggles to deal with the pressure to make memories, so instead focuses on the small moments, including having a sleepover party with her family (pictured)
Addressing why she has decided to fundraise, including selling her Rebellious Hope T-shirts, Deborah candidly said it has given her purpose during her end of life care.
Former deputy head teacher Deborah also penned her second book How To Live When You Could Be Dead, which was released in April and details her life after getting an incurable bowel cancer diagnosis.
As she receives support at her parents’ home, Deborah said she finds it important to get dressed and put make-up on everyday so she can feel more like herself.
Detailing how she is spending her days, she said she sits in the conservatory in her wheelchair as she puts on her make-up, does crafts and cooks for her family, which she said she enjoys despite not having much of an appetite herself.
Speaking about how her loved ones have supported her, Deborah tearfully admitted that she has become much closer with her siblings over the past few weeks and described her parents as ‘amazing’.
Struggles: She said she doesn’t think she will ever come to terms with her terminal diagnosis, saying she is finding it heartbreaking to see her body change as she battles the illness
Deborah said her husband Sebastien has also been a huge support for her, and said she has enjoyed spending time with her children, though she admitted she finds it difficult for them to see her unwell.
Her comments come after she took to Instagram to share sweet photos from a ‘girls night in’ sleepover with her mother, sister and daughter Eloise.
She said her family managed to ‘put a smile on her face’ after spending ‘most of yesterday in tears’ with the impromptu party.
Adorable photos showed Deborah with her family in matching pink satin pyjamas and face masks, on futons covered with pink sheets and dozens of teepees.
Writing on Instagram today alongside a collage of sweet family photos she wrote: ‘Making memories can be hard why you are dying! Oh the pressure!!.
Family: Dame Deborah (centre, with husband Sebastien Bowen, left, and children Eloise, 12 and Hugo, 14) was awarded a damehood by Prince William last month
‘I’m now only getting some very grabbed hours between the sleeping and side effects, but this girly sleepover managed to put such a smile to my face having spent most of yesterday in tears!
‘I’m getting less and less able to leave the house, or bed really now, so was feeling pretty down about it. Or do anything for that matter!
‘But my sister suggested a party sleepover! She managed to call a very local Woking company (Teepee Vibe Tribe), that morning, who said, yes we’ll come and help and make the whole thing so easy and enjoyable all within 3 hours notice.
‘I was feeling awful after a bad day, so didn’t watch the set up of anything.
‘Actually I just cried over my leaking drains next door! But with the help of my sister and bro, managed to calm down and then they wheeled me into the room last night and yes I cried over the fairy lights! Good tears! It was just perfect!
‘I went from staying in my wheelchair to ending up everyone helping to get me into an actually Tee pee to watch Cinderella with the gang and sit their like a 5 year old with a huge Cheshire Cat smile on my face next to my daughter and sister!
Fun times: Her comments come after she took to Instagram to share sweet photos from a ‘girls night in’ sleepover with her mother, sister and daughter Eloise
‘We booked the experience as regular customer but they refused payment so have donated it to Bowel Babe Fund instead.
‘But I wanted to give a big shout out to Teepee Vibe Tribe because they were local, just so good and made something that meant a a lot to me just so effortless. Today I sleep! But with another memory and a smile.’
Deborah was diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer in December 2016, and was told early on that she might not live beyond five years – a milestone that passed in the autumn of 2021.
She shared an Instagram post earlier this month revealing that ‘nobody knows how long she has left’.
She wrote: ‘The message I never wanted to write. We have tried everything, but my body simply isn’t playing ball.
Illness: She is receiving hospice care at her parents’ home in Woking, to spare her children the difficult memories of her spending her final days at the family home in London
‘My active care has stopped and I am now moved to hospice at home care, with my incredible family all around me and the focus is on making sure I’m not in pain and spending time with them.’
She is receiving hospice care at her parents’ home in Woking, to spare her children the difficult memories of her spending her final days at the family home in London.
The news comes days after she told The Sun that she was ‘scared to fall asleep’ because she does not know how long she has got left.
She added she had felt a ‘deep love’ from her family, saying: ‘I think my family are knackered, they have all been incredible – going above and beyond to look after me and nurse me.’
And speaking of her end of life care recently, she added: ‘I feel very strongly that I don’t want my kids to see me agitated and distressed. I want to make sure they see me when I’m having a good days.’
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